Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
