I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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