there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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