I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
