Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Is it because I queefed?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
