Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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