I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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