i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
