I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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