My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
