now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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