I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
