I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
