Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This house was built for laser tag.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
