dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
