Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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