She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
