I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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