My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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