When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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