I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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