I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
