Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
