My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
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shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
its liver damage thursday
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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