Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
