and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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