Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
