someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
