Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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