this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
