mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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