i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
