I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
