Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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