how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I want to be your penis for a week.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
