don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
