YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.