Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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