i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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