Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
