Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
