I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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