Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
