she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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