Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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