do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
