I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
