saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
