The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
