Your face is a jimmy john
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
