I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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