I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
