I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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