I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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