Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
