Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
