i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm having to shit out rocks
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