I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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