Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
