I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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