I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If that was your dad, he is hot
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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