i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
