"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
