Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who died my cat blue again?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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