I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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